About this Podcast Episode
On this episode, Angela and Kristin talk about that exciting but sometimes scary time of transitioning out of the family home. They share essential skills parents should consider teaching their kids now, before the transition, as well as ways for them to cope with the upcoming changes themselves.
About the Hosts
Angela Nelson, Ed.D., BCBA, and Kristin Bandi, MA, BCBA, are Board Certified Behavior Analysts with expertise on human behavior and child development. They spend their days working with parents and caregivers of both typically developing children as well as children with learning, social, and behavioral challenges, or developmental disabilities. This podcast is brought to you by RethinkCare.
If you need support as a parent or caregiver of a child, we encourage you to ask your Human Resources team if RethinkCare is a part of your employer-provided benefits. RethinkCare reaches millions of lives globally through partnerships with top organizations and Fortune 1,000 companies.
Transcript
Welcome to episode 47 of Behaviorally Speaking, a podcast featuring board certified behavior analysts Angela Nelson and Kristin Bandi. On this episode, they talk about essential skills kids should learn before they leave the nest and ways their parents can cope with these big changes too. And now, here are your hosts, Angela Nelson and Kristin Bandi.
Angie: Hello and welcome to our forty seventh episode of Behaviorally Speaking. I’m one of your hosts Dr. Angela Nelson, a board certified behavior analyst and mother of two.
Kristin: And I’m Kristin Bandi also aboard certified behavior analyst and mother of three. Hey Angie, how are you?
Angie: Hello, I’m good. This is back to school, we had spring break.
Kristin: Oh yeah.
Angie: And now we are back to the early morning and the pack in the lunches and the homework back to the grind.
Kristin: Oh yeah, just in time for summer I feel like it’s like I’m already like summer getting ready for summer.
Angie: I know I feel like every year around this time we talk about prepping for camps.
Kristin: Yeah, we do.
Angie: And there’s a lot of texts going around with my uh, my friends and my kids’ friends’ parents asking “okay what are you guys going to sign up for, what” you know and it’s just like a mad dash to ah you know get some of these registrations because some of them go so fast.
Kristin: I know, I know.
Angie: Summer is almost here.
Kristin: Yeah well I have a funny story to tell you I was I was saving it for now, so you haven’t heard this at night I think it’s funny I don’t know.
Angie: Um oh okay tell me.
Kristin: So, it just happened last night so we have I think my youngest who is two, he’s actually going to be three at the end of this month which is insane if you can believe it.
Angie: Wow I can’t believe it.
Kristin: I know, I know so we’re kind of you know working on potty training which-
Angie: Woohoo!
Kristin: I don’t know but I think like the more kids you have like you think it’d get easier, but for some reason like I don’t know why it gets harder.
Angie: No, you get because you get more tired I think.
Kristin: That, that’s yes yeah that’s my experience anyway, right?
Angie: That’s why you have other kids to coordinate.
Kristin: Yeah so, we’re working on potty training. It’s going okay and he’s doing great at school of course, right? Because there’s like, it’s routine and they assign and all the stuff. So, the last two days we he does fine all day, but then we had baseball in the evenings. Well last night it was like 5:30 and I took him to the bathroom right when we got to baseball, and I was like “good job. yay peepee” right? and then 30 minutes later I’m thinking “oh man like do I need to take him again? He’s not requesting. He’s not telling me he needs to go yet.” So, I was like I’ll just give it a couple minutes. We’ll see how it goes and then a couple minutes later I go over, and I was like “oh no Theo you went peepee” and he was sitting, and he was, he was kind of standing and like playing with some of the little kids there.
Angie: Mmhmm.
Kristin: And he didn’t even look up at me and he goes “duh”, and I was like “oh no” right?
Angie: Oh, what a rascal, that little rascal.
Kristin: And I was like oh boy like if this is any indicator of how three is going to go for me with him like I’m going to be in so much trouble.
Angie: Welcome to the three major.
Kristin: But it’s interesting because that it yes and what’s interesting is obviously he’s learned that from like another kid or probably his sibling is my guess, but I’m like duh like how do you who learn duh at like two and a half almost three?
Angie: Yeah, was he very proud of himself and looked at you to see what your reaction was?
Kristin: You know the craziest thing was he actually just like was playing with a doll because the kids were like playing dolls and he kind of went “duh” and I’m like then I like second guess myself like “did he say that, or I may am I hearing things?” Ah so anyway and then I took him to the potty and then there we went but I was like “oh no, it’s starting”.
Angie: You’re entering a new phase. Oh man I know I was going to say one end of the spectrum to the ever.
Kristin: Oh no but I know yes which is completely different from our podcast today which I hope you’re talking about in like 18 years yeah yes yeah exactly.
Angie: I know, I was gonna say one end of the spectrum to the other.
Kristin: Yeah, exactly.
Angie: Um so yeah so today um has nothing to do with potty training.
Kristin: No.
Angie: Um but we are going to be talking about how to help our kids and parents emphasize on the emphasis on the and parents, uh prepare for transitioning out of the home. We’ve got, a we actually have had quite a few requests for this topic. So, I’m excited to dive in. We’re going to break up this podcast episode into two segments. So, we’re going to talk about skills for kids and then also preparation for the parents.
Kristin: Yeah and I think like you had said you know this one’s been coming up quite a bit and maybe it’s because we’re again kind of getting into the summer and I know always around this time I get a lot of parents who are like “oh my kids going off to college” or “my kids moving out” and so we start to get a lot of questions and over the years since this does come up a lot I’ve noticed that there’s really not a lot of research in this area or like all the books and all of the like you know quick tips and the help stuff for parents right? Like we tend to see that it’s for like potty training like I said right or sleep training or you know any sort of behavioral concerns for your kids but there’s not a lot that’s like “hey here’s how you prepare for your kids to leave the house and not only like when they’re 18, how do we prepare when they’re 12” right? So, I think it’s the whole point of this is like transitions are hard. So, let’s start thinking about it now. Like there’s that’s a common theme with all of our podcasts. But you know let’s be proactive. Let’s think about it now so that we can um actually be prepared when it happens.
Angie: Yeah 100%, oh my gosh. Well, so let’s dive into it shall we? Should we get into the skills?
Kristin: Yeah, yes yeah.
Kids Skills
Kids Skill #1: Daily Living Skills
Angie: So, for skill one. We’ve got several different skills here and we’re going to talk about what we should be focusing right now in terms of teaching our kids so that proactive piece doing it ahead of time. So, it’s important to think about what daily living skills or when your kids are younger, we could call them chores, that they are doing that you might want to integrate in that would be really important for them to know when they get out of the house, so you know think about kind of just surveying your day. What are some of the things that you do that keep your household running?
Laundry
Angie: When we think about things sometimes, we talk about laundry, that’s kind of ah an easy one right? But it’s not just how do we separate the clothes into the different types of you know batches or some stuff we might use or put in cold water wash and warm water and so on. But also think about things like how often do we wash our sheets, right? We um sure you know kids can pretty much figure out “ok I’ve run out of you know clean socks” or something like that ”so, I’ll do some laundry” or maybe even pick a day of the week just to integrate it into routine, but you may not they may not know things like how often do each change our sheets. So, um I’ll never forget you know when you go to college, and you hear those stories of some people that just didn’t wash their sheets the whole quarter, whole semester.
Kristin: Yes, yeah.
Angie: Like oh my God wow.
Kristin: And then just bring it home in between on the holidays that’s about it, yeah.
Food Prep
Angie: Yeah um also other things like we were talking about when we were prepping this for this of food preparation and not only food prep but also just and we’re going to talk a little bit more about just taking care of your body in general, but thinking about healthy food prep. Um we don’t you know our kids just ah using the microwave all the time or can they at least start working on some of the basics when they’re still living under your roof. So, can they make rice? Can they make pasta? Um, can they cut up some fruits and vegetables and you know sauté them or whatever you want.
Kristin: Yeah right.
Angie: But yeah, I think it is important to kind of survey what your kids know how to do now, and you know this Kristin, I’m a big fan of chores. My kids have had chores since they were toddlers and age appropriate of course, but um it is important to kind of think about if you’ve got kids upper elementary and especially when they’re getting into middle school and high school if they don’t have any chores and they’re not doing any self-help or helpful things to manage the house, it’s a good time to get on that because it’s not only going to help your household right now, but it’s definitely some good life skills for when they move out.
Kristin: I was thinking when you were talking about laundry thinking about can kids plan ahead right? like as we’re doing as parents like your jersey’s dirty or what about your cheerleading outfit or what about you know like at certain schools they might change out for track or something like that or for like P.E.
Angie: Yeah.
Kristin: So those are things that sometimes are not right in front of their face, right? They’re not thinking “oh that’s right I have a soccer game tomorrow, oh no” right? like we kind of do that I do that now of course because my kids are much younger but that’s something that I I’m even thinking about now I’m like gosh parker is going to be eight this summer so yeah he should be starting to think about like “hey, what am I doing this week? Oh, I’ve got two baseball games. Do I have clothes for that?” Um I did start teaching him which was I don’t know if I told you this ah this is a little while ago, but I did teach him that when his laundry was full to bring it out, like out of his room and put it in the hallway so, I would see it because I would have no I mean of course I’m like in their rooms but I’m not paying attention to his laundry basket. So, I was like when you need laundry your job is to put it out So I know and really I did that so like he would start paying attention when he needed laundry versus me going in and knowing he needed his laundry done and I kind of told him and I was like “ah sure it’ll pick up, yeah he’ll do it one day” right? and then it was like a week later his laundry was sitting in the hallway and I said to my husband like “did you put his laundry in the hallway?” and he was like “no” and I was like “oh it worked, he put his laundry in the hallway.”
Angie: Um that’s great.
Kristin: Yes, and then my daughter has started doing it now too because she noticed that he did it and I was like yes so nice. We’re moving and I think they could totally start doing or at least separating their laundry now and putting it away.
Angie: Um yeah oh yeah, my kids um I’ll wash them, but I basically just put it back in their bin and put it up. Upstairs and then their job is to dump it out, sort it, fold it put it away. Um they’re eight and ten now and they can definitely, you know it’s funny I think we talked about this on a previous podcast but I this was one of those things that I wasn’t going to prioritize if they wanted to just shove their stuff in their drawers I didn’t care I was going to that wasn’t a battle I was going to pick but they both have taken an interest in folding their clothes now. So, I’m like hey you, do you? That’s you know that’s good, but I do love how you bring up the executive functioning piece. Of course, you do, you’re the queen of executive functioning.
Kristin: Right? Yes.
Angie: But yeah, the anticipating what I might need planning and prioritization I love that? Yeah, that’s one of those things that I don’t think we’ve explicitly loaded in here. But I think could overlay into a lot of these skills.
Kristin: Yup, yeah and one more thing I was just thinking that’s going to overlay into everything and we didn’t talk about this, and we were prepping I think a lot of us as parents might show our love to our children by doing things for them right?
Angie: Right.
Kristin: Like sometimes I actually like I’m folding their laundry I like “oh my gosh, like this shirt is so cute” right? And like we’re doing it and like I feel like sometimes for a lot of these tips we will have to be like okay, but you got to move away from that right? Like think about the big picture here and you know if you like doing your kids’ laundry which some parents do right? Then it’s like okay but we have to kind of let go a little bit so that was more of a Pep talk for myself. Really yes, right? Yeah, oh yeah.
Angie: Yeah, it’s it. It’s what it’s like the Love Language right?
Kristin: Yes, right?
Angie: Like if the acts of kindness is your way of Love Language and also we I think it’s a good time to mention too; culturally there are different ways of doing things in different families you know So certainly you know we want to honor that um it tends to be in the United States individuality and independence and kind of like moving out that tends to be a little a little bit more valued here. Um, you know but yeah regardless we’re gonna we’re you know we want to be sensitive of those cultural um differences, but I think big picture we’re talking about you know sure we can do things acts of kindness to show our kids we love them, but we also want to think about are we equipping our kids with the skills so that they can do it independently if they need to or when they need to.
Kids Skill #2: Financial Literacy
Kristin: Yep exactly so that brings us to skill number two which is financial literacy, so you know really, and I you know this is something that comes to me a lot from parents and I love that, even younger kids like five, six, seven, and I’ve had so many parents talk to me about with even with younger kids “I’m trying to teach my child how to save” right? How you know, “let’s go get away from that instant gratification. You have $5 do you need to spend all $5 right now?” So really at any age, but especially as we get closer to teens, teaching “how can I have a, how can I have a credit card? How can I manage a credit card you know, what is the word I’m looking for? Not safely, there’s a word it’s oh my gosh. It’s not safely but you might be um…
Angie: Responsibly?
Kristin: Yes! Whooo we did it.
Angie: You know we do kind of share the same brain. We talk about that all the time.
Kristin: Okay yes how can we have a credit card responsibly, thank you. That’s what I was looking for so you know teaching kids how to have a credit card how to save and giving them opportunities to do that and there’s various cards you can get lot of families who use the Green Light card. I’m not endorsing them; I’m just saying that’s a helpful card.
Angie: Yeah, I keep hearing, I keep hearing about things like that. Yeah.
Kristin: Yeah, but it’s a really good opportunity to start teaching that and then I think another topic that’s really important and I try to teach this to my kids, is what do you need versus what do you want, right? And so maybe we can start to say like oh yes you do need new pants or oh you want new pants, right? But you have a lot of pants. So, I think that that’s these are those are two really important skills to teach kids and teens.
Angie: Yeah, and you know and along with that too I’m just thinking one of my kids loves going shopping with me every grocery shopping every Saturday morning. The other one could care less, but it’s interesting because you could easily spend $150 or $200 um and get the same sort of products but with all of the grocery stores with sales and you know my grocery store I have an app and you can get points and you can get deals and things like that and I’m all about it right? And so, you could save a lot of money and so I’ve really been trying to teach them. Hey, let’s you know there’s of course there are certain things that you want to buy name brand but there’s a lot of things that really you can just buy the generic and yeah so, I’m teaching them early to compare prices.
Kristin: Um yeah that’s so smart. Yeah, that is so smart I do that too where I’m kind of like this, let’s oh but there’s this one or this one like this one’s less money but it’s the same thing. So yeah, so smart.
Angie: Yeah, they’ll get a rude awakening if they haven’t learned that-
Kristin: Right.
Angie: And they go ah to you know they get into an apartment. They’re like “oh my gosh $7 for a box of cereal, what!?” So yeah.
Kristin: Right, exactly.
Kids Skill #3: Taking Care of Themselves
Angie: Okay so skill three, taking care of themselves.
Hygiene
Angie: So, a couple different facets of this that we were brainstorming; hygiene of course. You know, making sure that they know the basics. Those are things that we can teach kids when they’re younger; showering, making sure they’re cutting their nails, ah you know those sorts of things, wearing deodorant. Making doctor’s appointments, that’s a common one that comes up too. I remember as a kid I was very shy, I did not want to call.
Kristin: Right.
Angie: You know this was back in the day right, where the internet we didn’t have the internet, so it was like you had to call get out the yellow pages call make an appointment and all this stuff and so being able to call to make your doctor’s appointments, make your dentist appointments, and so on can be a good thing to do when kids become teenagers.
Medication
Angie: Um we also talked about independent medication administration. So that’s a really important safety issue too, but especially if your child is getting to be older, getting close to moving out of the home, if you’re still managing all their medications that is definitely one that you want to start thinking about, um especially if they have a daily medication and especially if they have something that missing dosages could be pretty you know significant and they really need to be able to manage that on their own.
Staying Fit
Angie: Other things too staying fit after a lot of the more structured sort of extracurricular things about school start to go away, right? You don’t have to take PE once you get it out of high school.
Kristin: Right.
Angie: You don’t, you know, there aren’t as many structured sports practices and so on. So how are your young adults going to continue to take care of themselves in their fitness?
Kristin: Yeah, or drink water.
Angie: Um yes, oh my gosh.
Kristin: I get that one all the time like “how do I get my preteen teen and then you know young adults to drink water”?
Angie: Yeah, yeah absolutely.
Kristin: That’s just I don’t know why I just thought of that as you said like staying fit, also drinking water.
Angie: Right?
Toiletries
Angie: One other one two that I really like, and I learned this went back when I was doing in home therapy for um with it with a teenager. Um ah a teenager with autism he his mom came to me and said, “hey you know I looked in his shower and he has no soap no shampoo and I have no idea how long it’s been like that”.
Kristin: Oh.
Angie: And so, being able to assess when you need new toiletries is important, I’m just thinking ahead too like you had said think ahead especially for, you know, girls’ feminine hygiene products and stuff you don’t want to be caught without, with no supply of things that you need right? So can you manage that stuff, think ahead and buy like “oh I’m almost out of deodorant or something I need to get those things ahead of time”. So those are all skills that kids should be learning before they move out. Yeah.
Lean on Technology
Kristin: And I was just thinking I feel like in today’s I was thinking of how like society today or really technology today like changes a lot of what we just said right? So, you know making a doctor’s appointment now you can just go online and say schedule appointment, right?
Angie: Yeah, even easier now you.
Kristin: Yeah, it’s so much easier now, but we still to teach them how to do that and then I think the same thing goes for having, you know, keep making sure you have all the supplies you need because there’s like that Subscribe and Save right? So, like oh I could get my you know my soap sent to me every 30 days for the rest of my life.
Angie: Yeah.
Kristin: So, I think there are like for people that might even have trouble with that I think, even leaning on some of those other tools that are helpful like the, you know, the subscriptions and stuff could be or I guess what I’m trying to say is if you feel like you’re trying to teach your child the skill and they’re not getting it
Angie: Um yeah lean on technology.
Kristin: Right, lean on technology to help, exactly.
Angie: Yeah, you still got to teach them to leverage technology-
Kristin: Yes, exactly.
Angie: But way easier.
Kristin: Right.
Angie: Yeah.
Kids Skill #4: Self-Advocacy
Kristin: Yeah, okay so the next one, number four. So, and this one is one where we think about? Okay yes, we need to do this, but we just want to put it here as a reminder right? So as your kids and teens get older. We want to start teaching them about self-advocacy and ways to keep themselves safe. So, ah you know my mind kind of goes to just creating some general rules for your child right? So don’t walk around in the middle you know at 1am if you don’t feel like you’re in a safe neighborhood. Always bring a buddy, carry protection in some way, right? Like when I was younger, I used to carry pepper spray. Um sidebar to that. So, what’s interesting is I was actually just with some friends the other day and I was saying that I went to go visit my sister when she had her first baby in the hospital. Um and I didn’t know that I had pepper spray in my backpack and um I was telling friends the story because we went to a we went to ah there’s like a golf tournament here and my friend had something in her backpack that was medication but they were like checking it and so I was telling them that story and they looked at me like I was crazy and I was like “what you guys didn’t carry pepper spray when you were in college like, why not?” and they were like “no”. And I was like “oh my goodness you have to have pepper spray” is that, like am I right?
Angie: I know a lot of people that did yeah.
Kristin: My friends always told, or maybe my mom just taught me that she’s like “no you always have to have this just in case you never know”. Um but yeah but I think obviously kind of what works in your family, but teaching your kids okay how do we make sure that we’re staying safe and then you know of course teaching them about sex and drugs and all that stuff as well.
Angie: Um yeah and consent.
Kristin: Yes, definitely consent all of that’s very important to start having those conversations.
Angie: Yeah absolutely.
Kids Skill #5: Transportation
Angie: Um okay so moving on to the next. So, we’re halfway through that the kids’ skills another one is transportation. So, I think you know if your kid leaves the home and has a car great, but that’s not everybody. Um I’ll never forget I didn’t actually have my own car until I was a senior in college I lived on campus for a little while and then my friends and I got in an apartment and they had cars, and I would just hitch a ride with them to campus I went to UCLA for undergrad, it was a commuter school you know, and LA is not known for their public transportation.
Kristin: What?
Angie: So, I’ll never forget one day. Yeah, one day they were all gone they had to go to you know various places and I’m standing in the living room thinking oh my gosh. How am I going to get to class I have no idea how I’m going to get there, true story. So in over in the West LA, west LA area there’s a thing called the big blue bus and so this was before, you know you had the smartphone, so I had to get on my computer and figure out the bus schedule and hightail it down to that find out where the bus stop was and you know take the long route to school and you know find out how I was going to get back and it was a whole to do, but I honestly had zero public transportation exposure when I was younger and that was a bit, that was, I was very proud of myself, but that was a huge deal for me to be able to navigate the public transportation system. So, you know and of course there are many people that grow up in New York City and you’re kind of just getting acclimated to it at a young age. But the main thing here is make sure your kids know how to navigate transportation. Can they make airplane flight tickets, if they need to take a train how does that work, getting Uber and Lyft and the rideshare apps. How does that work right? So, making sure that they’re educated around how they can transport themselves to point A, you know from point A to point B, especially if they don’t have a car readily available.
Transportation Safety
Kristin: Um yeah totally and then going back to say I think that one can go along with safety which I didn’t even mention but like don’t get in a car with someone that’s been drinking, advocate for yourself right? Or be, you know, check the license plate on your Uber. Like stuff like that like I do feel like you know we see it now I feel like lots of teens are seeing it on TikTok like, how to keep yourself safe, and that’s great, but do a little assessment there you know make sure that they know all these things.
Angie: Um yeah absolutely.
Kids Skill #6: Problem Solving
Kristin: Yeah, okay well number six and this one might be my favorite of all of our tips So when we were looking into this one. We found this and I had a big aha moment. But so, thinking about can your child solve their own problems, right?
Angie: Oh, I love this one.
Kristin: So yes, so as they start to get older, we as parents have to pull back and say “oh how would you solve that problem, did you, do you, did you think of a solution or what, what do you think you’re going to do” right? And so you know if your child gets a bad, and this is a perfect example, might be grades in you know high school for example so if a child gets a bad grade a parent might be like “oh let me oh let me just email your chemistry teacher, let me just figure out what’s going on here” but instead we want your teenager to say “oh man, I forgot. You know I didn’t, okay I got a bad grade, or I missed a test, or I missed that homework assignment. Let me go see what I can do let me ask if I could do extra credit. Let me ask, you know, let me go talk to the teacher” and essentially we’re teaching them like “we’re not gonna save you now like you have to advocate for yourself and start to solve your own problems” as kids get older.
Angie: Yeah, that I feel like this is a hot topic right now in the kind of parent spaces. It’s the don’t jump in and save your kid. I always like to tell the people I work with when; you know, this is great to practice this when the stakes are low, right? A missing assignment, it’s not going to you know absolutely demolish your dreams of going to your dream school, right?
Kristin: Right.
Angie: Especially if you’re in sixth grade. you know? Let them experience natural consequences. It doesn’t mean you don’t love them; you’re actually being very strategic about helping them develop the skills to be maybe more responsible or think ahead or kind of survey the backpack did I pack my, you know, my homework that I finished so I can get credit for it. So, yeah and letting them solve their own problems, don’t just rush in and give them the answer. It’s not, you might feel good in the moment and feel like you’re supporting them, but it’s not going to serve them well when you’re not there.
Kristin: Right? Yeah exactly.
Angie: Yeah.
Kids Skill #7: Employment
Angie: Okay so we’ve got two more skills for the kids’ skill number seven, do they have any work experience, or have they had a job we know from and Kristin you and I work a lot within the autism community. There’s actually some good research that shows kids that have jobs, autistic kids who have jobs, before they graduate high school are much more likely to be employed after high school. Um and so it’s that job experience, it’s kind of going through that whole, you know, those steps of looking for a job, going through the interview, being able to respond to having a boss and colleagues, and you know following a schedule and so on. Um maybe if it’s not a formal job, maybe it’s something that they can come up with on their own, on their own I know I did a lot of babysitting.
Kristin: Um yeah me too.
Angie: and that is ah such a great job, I had a lot of regular clients who ended up being pretty heavy of a workload, but that is a really great way to make some cash, you know for college. Um I know there are, my next-door neighbor actually her son knocked on my door a couple weeks ago and they, I thought it was great, um they were repainting the addresses on the curbs.
Kristin: Hmm.
Angie: Asking the neighbors “hey, would you like us to kind of freshen up the paint” and they you know they were asking for like a small amount of money, and I said, “oh what are you guys raising money for” and they said “well, we’re, we want to buy cars”.
Kristin: Aww.
Angie: And I just thought that was cool I talked to his mom about it later when I saw her and I said “hey I just thought that was really cool that you know they’re going out there, they’re trying to do something entrepreneurial, trying to you know, get some money” but ah yeah I’ve seen other teens they’re advertising for dog walking.
Kristin: Oh yeah.
Angie: And you know, babysitting and stuff. So yeah, even if it’s not formal get them into the job world, if you’re just given money, you know that that’s not real life, right? They are eventually you’re going to need to get a job. So being able to get a taste of that, um under, you know, it within some kind of safe boundaries when they’re still under your roof can be really advantageous for them.
Instilling Commitment
Kristin: Yeah, and I think it teaches them like the power of making a commitment right? Like if you had a formal job, it’s like well you made a commitment to this, you did say you could go these, you know these three days like you, you know you kind of came up with that”. We had um just thinking about it when we lived up in Maryland, but didn’t actually snow a ton there, but when it did snow we had teenagers, obviously everyone was closed, you know school was off and we would have a bunch of high schoolers come around with shovels and they’re like “can we shovel your driveway?” and they made a good money that way going through the whole neighborhood shoveling all the driveways, it’s like twenty bucks shuffle your driveway. Yeah.
Angie: It’s great, yeah, I love it.
Kristin: Yeah.
Angie: Cool.
Kids Skill #8: Executive Functioning
Kristin: So yeah, okay well onto the last one which I think we you know we touched on quite a bit throughout, but it definitely deserves its own skill, so skill aid working on all of the executive functioning skills and all of them right? So, time management, organization, planning, prioritization. So, we mentioned that a little bit earlier, but these are, and we’ve actually as you know, many of you probably know, we’ve done lots and lots of episodes on all of these, so we’ve done specific to each one of those that I mentioned so ways to teach your child time management.
Setting Alarms
Kristin: For example, could be a really great skill to work on before they leave the house for just so many different reasons. And some of the things that come to mind, and I actually talk to parents about this one all the time, can your child set their own alarm clock? Like that’s one-
Angie: Oh yeah.
Kristin: And some of those parents are like “oh, no actually they don’t use their own alarm clock”.
Angie: “I’m their alarm clock”.
Kristin: Right, “I’m their alarm clock.” Yeah, exactly and then you know like we said, ah before, like getting to appointments on time or getting to work on time, um you know making sure that they know how to do that.
Time Management (Estimating How Long It Takes and When to Start)
Kristin: And then something that is really important, we see this creep up a bit in academics, figuring out how long, do I know how long it’s going to take me to do a project right? But also, being able to work backward and say well what time do I need to leave the house if I have to be at work at four right? And that requires that like a little bit of backward thinking, right? And oh, but what about traffic or what about oh I got to get it still have to get my metro pass right? Like all of those things that might be important. We just want to make sure that they have all those skills so that they can be successful when you’re not doing it with them.
Angie: Yeah, I love that, that’s such a, I mean the executive functioning piece is so important and we know that executive functioning skills are not fully developed until young adulthood anyways, so don’t be surprised if there’s some hiccups along the way.
Kristin: Right?
Angie: But um I think that a lot of kids are not paying attention to these things because we handle a lot of stuff for them as parents.
Kristin: Right.
Angie: We know when we need to tell them “Hey it’s time to go to baseball practice” because we can budget for how long the drive is going to be, but many times the kids are not, that’s not on their radar.
Kristin: Right
Angie: But I sometimes I’ll ask parents “hey if you know, let’s say you were really sick and you were staying in bed in the morning. Do you think your 17-year-old would be able to get themselves to school? Like do you think they would be able to even get up, get breakfast, kind of get themselves together? And let’s just say, let’s just say they have, they can just walk right? Like would they be able to get to school on time 17 years old?” If the answer is no, that’s good feedback for yourself that “hey you know maybe I need to pull back from motoring my kid, my teen, my almost adult through all the steps of getting ready in the morning”.
Kristin: Oh, I have a story about that. So I was working with this family I still work with this family quite a bit and their kids are 10 and 12 and she had said that what, like this was, like they both had the flu, mom and dad had the flu, and the kids didn’t and so she said “you know what guys like you just gotta do it tomorrow morning I don’t even have the energy to try to tell you what to do or how to do it like you just gotta to do it” right? That’s how she what she said, and she goes “and Kristin they did it.” and I was like “yay!”
Angie: Oh, that’s awesome.
Kristin: So, like they got up, got themselves ready and of course like I think I don’t, I oh they took the bus. Yeah so, they got up, got ready, got to the bus stop, and of course I’m sure the parents were kind of monitoring, but she was like “I didn’t even have to help them, like it was amazing” and then of course I said, “now you know they can”, right? Yeah so, they got up, got ready, got to the bus stop, and of course I’m sure the parents were kind of monitoring, but she was like “I didn’t even have to help them, like it was amazing” and then of course I said, “now you know they can”, right?
Angie: Yeah yup, that’s my first thought too. Those sort of things kind of might wane over time, but I think definitely that first time it’s probably exciting for them too, like “oh we’re going to show them.” You know get lots of praise.
Kristin: Right? Oh yeah like “I’ll show mom and dad, we can do this, yeah.”
Angie: Yeah, get all the praise from their parents. Oh man yeah that’s a good one.
Parent Takeaways
Angie: Okay well, so we’re going to segway. We just have five kind of takeaways for parents now, switching gears, and ending on these five takeaways, moving away from the skills. So, as we think about us now as parents.
Parent Takeaway #1: Assess How You Feel
Angie: The first thing that Kristin and I kind of thought through and did some research on is pausing so taking a pause to assess how you feel about this transition right? So, let’s say your child’s getting ready to go off to college or maybe they’re moving out of the home, we know especially in this day and age kids tend to stay at home a little bit longer because of just financial reasons. It’s not like how it used to be decades ago.
Kristin: Right.
Angie: But you know whatever that time is, assess how you feel about it. Expect there to be many changes, environmentally but also emotionally too. Talk about it. Talk about it with loved ones or friends, um maybe seek professional help if you’re struggling and be mindful of when, and kind of try to identify when, you might be falling into some guilt trip behavior. We have seen that a little bit and talking with some parents. You know “why aren’t you never calling me?”, we’re gonna, we’re talk about this in a minute too, but you know be careful about those guilt trips. Put yourself in your kids’ shoes, they’re probably excited, they’re going out on their own, they don’t want all the micromanagement or anything they want to be able to live their life. So yeah, be careful and mindful of those things.
Parent Takeaway #2: Plan For More “Me” Time
Kristin: Um yeah definitely and then the next one. So, after we because I think it’s so important like you said to just take a minute and like settle in, right? Like how am I doing with this, right? And then once we do that, and maybe before we do that, plan ahead and think about okay things are going to be different. Um I actually have a call, you know we talk about, we do workplace consultations for our job as well, and I was actually talking to a client this morning who, her kids are 16 and 18, and she was saying “I don’t have any hobbies. Like, I need some hobbies, my hobbies are my kids!” right?
Angie: Yeah.
Kristin: and they’re getting older, and she even said she’s like “they have like their, their little significant others now, like the you know the little, you know teenage dating” right? And she’s like “I’m not as important anymore, they won’t hang out with me anymore and now what do I do?” right? and so I think it’s so important to think ahead and like when your kids are 16 or 17 or 18 thinking “okay what else? What were my other passions, what’s my other purpose” right? Because it’s there, we just forget about it for 18 years, so like bringing that back to the forefront can be so helpful.
Angie: Oh, absolutely it’s it. That’s that emotional side of things, right? So, they might physically be out of the house, but there are going to be some big emotions for a lot of people. I would say this might be more heightened, I haven’t seen the literature on this, but I my guess is this transition might be more significant for parents who um are not working outside the home, um or their main role is caregiving for their kids right? So, there is a huge identity transitioning happening for them.
Kristin: Right? yeah.
Angie: You know if you’ve got a full-time job. You know you still have that identity your nine to five is probably going to be pretty similar, but for those families yeah where maybe one parent is staying at home and supporting that kind of caregiving um that’s where this step I think really comes into play, you know finding the value in your life like you said, what’s your new purpose, you know?
Kristin: Right? exactly.
Angie: Yeah.
Parent Takeaway #3: Set Realistic Expectations With Your Kids
Angie: So the next one being realistic about expectations with your kids so expectations about communication have a conversation with them about “hey are we going to have maybe like a Sunday night uh video conference or are you okay if we have a funny text chain that just goes on with the members of our family, what, what’s good for you?” Um what about visits, how often are you going to see each other? If you have made it up in your mind “I’m going to see them, they’re going to come over for Sunday dinner every week” and then they don’t, and you feel let down.
Kristin: Um yeah.
Angie: You know that’s a bummer and so be realistic, talk about these things, and collaborate with your kids as opposed to kind of dictating because remember they are, they are adults and if you’re dictating that that may not go over so well. So yeah.
Kristin: Right? Yeah, I wonder if this is one of those things, and this kind of goes into the next tip, but I was just thinking I wonder if it’s one of those things where, you know how you say like teenagers tend to pull away, but they come back right?
Angie: Yeah.
Kristin: Like, I feel like if, when, ah you know that your young, your young adult leaves the house like maybe it’s the same right? Like they pull away, but don’t worry like they come back.
Angie: Sure.
Kristin: And you know it makes me think about when I first left the house I, you know I kind of went out on my own, and I went to college and all this, all this stuff. But then as I got older, I started to like really appreciate Sunday dinners at my mom’s house and this was right before I got married. It’s much different than once you get married you have kids and all that, but before I had kids I definitely my sister and I would make it a point every Sunday “okay we’re going to, we’re going to mom’s, you going to moms? Okay I’m going to mom’s” right and so I feel like it is one of those things where it kind of does ebb and flow as they get their footing outside of the house, but maybe they’ll come back around just like, you know, like I did. Yeah.
Angie: Um yeah absolutely yeah, I think that goes back to that the core of be realistic about expectations. You know and recognize and talk to other parents that have gone through it recognize that it’s pretty typical for young adults to want to go out and spread their wings and not you know just stay with the parents. So, um and yeah that is a really nice thing that a lot of times, that as you get older you start to really appreciate your parents-
Kristin: Right? It’s so true.
Angie: And kind of come back around I, I experience the same thing with my family, yeah.
Kristin: Yeah.
Parent Takeaway #4: Acknowledge the New Relationship
Kristin: And so the next tip there So acknowledge that you’ll have a new relationship with your adult child and so like I said you know that relationship might ebb and flow over time, but it’s important to just go in going “okay, this isn’t going to be like it was before they left the house” and what does that new normal look like and maybe when, kind of like you had said right, having those expectations ahead of time. So, when you are making plans, you’re still being respectful of their life and their boundaries. So, it might look something like “I know you have a lot of, I know you have a lot of tests coming up this week, we do have a birthday party for your uncle. Do you think there’s any chance you could make it?” right? So, it’s like being respectful of their time but also showing them the importance of family.
Angie: Yeah, I like that, I like that. Having a new way of approaching-
Kristin: Right?
Angie: You know it’s not an obligation.
Kristin: Exactly like it’s your uncle you’re gonna be there, right? Like that might not work when they’re 22.
Angie: Yeah, and they’re like you know struggling through law school or something like that and they’ve got a you know demanding job, yeah, I think yeah being realistic and acknowledging the new, the new normal.
Kristin: Right? Yeah exactly.
Parent Takeaway #5: Embracing Your New Identity
Angie: Yeah, so that brings us to our very last kind of take away for parent preparation which is embracing your new identity and see this as a positive, a positive step maybe celebrate, you know celebrate your child’s new independence. Celebrate your achievement as a parent, you know you raise your child, they’re well and able to go out and live on their own, which is really exciting. Um we can also reframe this a transition as a time for yourself too, right? So, think of it as a glass half full. Um you know, what can you enjoy now? This kind of ties back to one of the other things as well, but really kind of embracing this new identity, reframe it as a positive thing. Um I think about my mom too, she um has always done, you know been involved and stayed active but now she’s retired from teaching, and she just has the best life ever. She visits with their grandkids, we see her every Thursday um in being a retired teacher it’s great because she comes and does all the homework with my kids, and you know helps check the answers and um it just hangs out with us. It’s just a great time and she does her Zumba classes and then she goes and plays pickle ball and hangs out with her, you know, goes to lunch with her girlfriends and works in the backyard and you know like does the landscaping. It’s just, she’s just living it up and it’s great, it’s great to see her you know experience that kind of post child rearing years and in a really nice positive way.
Kristin: And yeah, that is so nice. It’s funny, it is funny because ah this is like secondary to this, but like once people hit retirement too like then what do you do like first, it’s like okay your kid leave the house then it’s like “oh but now I’m retired, now what” it’s like it’s like level two.
Angie: Oh yeah, yes.
Kristin: You know um my husband was like “I think my dad took up yoga” and I was like “really?” and so it was like “he just started embracing yoga” I was like “okay cool.” Um, but yeah that’s so yeah, I think finding your new, your new identity is a really a good tip. Yeah.
Angie: Ah yeah I wanted to, I didn’t, we didn’t have this in our prep, but I wanted to mention for some families where transitioning out to the adulthood years may take a less kind of um traditional approach a lot of the families we work with um do have children with developmental disabilities and so that might be a transition to a different sort of maybe supported living opportunity and so on, but either way, um I love pacer.org you probably know the of this site too Kristin.
Kristin: Oh yeah.
Angie: So good it has a ton of resources in terms of older students, young adults, you know college, or employment opportunities, independent living just you name it a ton of stuff. So, I really like PACER if your child does have a disability and you’re not kind of doing that traditional move out of the house track. Um it’s a really great resource.
Kristin: Um yeah that’s good. That’s good to mention. Yeah, alright? Well hopefully we covered everything for you know preparing children and also preparing for us, right? When we’re, when we’re old, when our kids are leaving the house. So right now, I’m gonna focus on potty training they get through that, but I have all these tips for what I did there all right?
Angie: Yeah.
Kristin: Well, thank you for joining us on our forty seventh episode of Behaviorally Speaking. On our next episode we will discuss helping our kids build healthy relationships until then don’t forget to subscribe to this podcast on your favorite platform, so you never miss an episode.
You’ve been listening to Behaviorally Speaking, with Angela Nelson and Kristin Bandi, brought to you by RethinkCare. Find out more at Rethinkcare.com. You can find past podcast episodes under the Resources tab. We also invite you to subscribe, follow, like, and leave us feedback wherever you listen to podcasts. Your feedback helps us prepare topics and content for future episodes. Until next time, have a great day.
